We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
