i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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