somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
