So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
