I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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