I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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