I feel like I'm in dance class right now
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
