I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
