The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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