Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
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