If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Randomize
