do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
