so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
This is my gift to your gina
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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