theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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