just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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