It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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