What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
