It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
