I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
