No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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