The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
