break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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