I wish I could teleport
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Its about making memories worth repressing
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Enjoy the penises
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
