I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
