i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
