Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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