Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
