false alarm. still invincible.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
