can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
