We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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