Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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