I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
