My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
