All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
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