Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
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