at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
