this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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