White coat. Heels.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
