week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
