also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
They are going to name an STD after you.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Randomize
