dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
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