Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Randomize
