So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
