I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
