Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You're a waste of cheezeits
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Randomize
