i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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