I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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