Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
