I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
