Well douche your snatch and let's go!
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
